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The Bon Jovi Code (or Wanted Dead Or Alive)

February 10, 2004 @ 3:20am

I recently had an idea for an international murder mystery in which a noted cryptographer and a famed symbologist untangle dozens of clues that had been hidden in old 80's songs and I couldn't decide between my two favorite titles: "The Depeche Code" and "The Bon Jovi Code".

As I did more research on Depeche Mode and Bon Jovi I discovered that there really were hidden messages in Bon Jovi songs. I talked to several 80's historians including a guy who used to work out with Mr. T and two people who had friends who used to work at MTV and I found out that it is widely believed that Bon Jovi was working for a secret society - one that was created to thwart Catholic Church plots in the New York/New Jersey area.

Need proof?

Well I always thought that this was one of the worst lines in the history of music:

Remember when we lost the keys and you lost more than that in my back seat

But it turns out that it was a hidden message to his fellow secret society members. Rearranging the letters, you'll find:

The Pope's minions will strike in downtown Trenton at midnight on July first

Now I get it! I mean, no one could write something that bad and sing it so sincerely, right?

Speaking with me only on a condition of total anonymity, one of these 80's historians said he believes that the Catholic Church began to suspect that Bon Jovi had been working against them. That explains why Jon entered the entertainment world's version of the witness protection program: taking a role on Ally McBeal and starring in movies like U-571.

Newer: Satan in '04?

Older: "Don't give us $16. Give our competitor $70 instead."